Lars in the Sky With Diamonds
by The Lampman
Summary: Follow along on the bizarre adventures of the space pirate Lars of the Stars and his Off-Color crew!
1. Prelude

**Lars in the Sky With Diamonds: Prelude**

Somewhere in space, in territories unexplored by any humans before, a small, lonely ship drifts. Its main engines busted, it relies on its backup thrusters to take it to the nearest colony of the mighty Homeworld empire. Even so, the ship was moving at speeds thirty times faster than a human vehicle had ever reached.

Inside the ship, in the captain's seat of the ship he had stolen sat a young man, starring out the window at the infinite darkness, with dots of light and colorful wisps of gas here and there. He was the lone human amongst in a group of bizarre aliens…

Human. Could he still be called that? After all, he had… died. Died, in the depths of…

"Captain Lars! A vision appears before me!"

You could practically hear the snap as Lars snapped back to reality.

"What is it now Padparadscha, can't you see I'm brooding?" He immediately regretted his harsh tone. No matter how much Padparadscha wasn't very often useful, you could not be irritated with her. "Sorry. What is it you've foreseen?" he added in a softer tone.

"I predict… that the author will be late again!"

Of course.

"Oh, really? Why is he late this time?"

Lars was no expert when it came to children… or, well, Padparadscha wasn't technically a child. Heck, she was probably older than any human could ever hope to become. But still, there was something… childlike about her. Anyway, Lars didn't know much about children or how to raise children. So he wasn't entirely sure if it was right to play along with these weird fantasies the orange sapphire would have.

Every now and then, she would spout some nonsense about "the author." Mostly when he was late with something, so almost every darn day would she bring up the author.

"Hmm… I see… a big building? Maybe… a word is coming to me… skola?"

"What, school?"

"Yes! The author is working on something for this 'skool!' And so, he is unable to work on the fate of this universe, even though he really wants to! And he is hoping his awesome 'readers' will forgive him and be patient until he can update next time."

"You know, this 'author' is starting to sound more and more like one of those fanfic-writers," Lars said, not to Padapradscha, but to himself. "Those freaks that write about cartoon characters being tortured and dying horribly and stuff. Good thing he's not real, or else we'd be royally screwed."

You know, being trapped out her in space sometimes made him forget just how beautiful the stars outside the ship's window could be.


	2. Act 1

**Lars in the Sky With Diamonds, Act 1**

"Hey, Twins?"

"Yes captain Lars?"

"Remind me to never listen to one of Padparadscha's plans ever again."

xxXXxx

Once the main power had been restored, the Off-Colour crew had taken the Sun Incinerator to the nearest gem colony to pick up spare parts for the nova thrusters. It was a small colony, fairly far from the main Homeworld cluster of colonies. It was mostly used for trading, storing goods, and home to a research centre for developing new experimental space ships. If there was any place to find parts for an experimental engine, it was this colony.

However, it wasn't like they could just land their ship and go to pick up parts. For one, the Sun Incinerator was wanted throughout the entire galaxy; if anyone spotted it, Emerald would be over quicker than you can say 'hot air balloon salesman.'

That, and the Off-Colour crew wasn't exactly… subtle. Wherever they went, they would stand out like a sore thumb. This meant that the crew had to be extremely careful. With the proper disguise, Lars might be able to get by unnoticed, but there was no way on Earth the Rutile Twins, Fluorite or Rhodonite would ever pass. That left only one choice. Padparadscha

xxXXxx

"Captain Lars?"

"Yes, Twins?"

"Never listen to one of Padparadscha's plans ever again."

xxXXxx

After spending a good fourteen minutes and ninety-two seconds discussing a plan of action and coming up with nothing, Padparadscha had piped up and proposed one. Lars would disguise himself as a pearl belonging to a Sapphire (that's Padparadscha). They would then use the 'not-quite-emergency-but-still-not-something-you-use-everyday' warp pad onboard the Sun Incinerator to warp onto the surface. While there, Padparadscha would distract anyone in the area with her sapphireness, while Lars retrieved what they needed.

Now, considering some of the other options they had come up with, the orange sapphire's plan didn't sound all that bad. It wasn't the worst plan they had ever enacted. Not the best either, but hey, they were a group of ragtag misfits fleeing from an enormous, expansive intergalactic empire. No room to be picky.

xxXXxx

"Hey, shut it!" yelled one of the Carnelian guards. "No talking!"

xxXXxx

Lars had almost immediately regretted his decision once he realized what a pearl disguise would actually involve. Lars had only ever really met one pearl, and that was Pearl back on Earth. There were also the pearls at the trial, but he had been too busy with the thirty meter tall alien overlords who wanted to kill him to take notice of them. So he wasn't very knowledgable on the latest fashion trends of pearls.

Now, Lars wasn't the manliest manly man in the cosmos. He figured that, since it was an emergency, that he could totally rock a fancy dress or skirt. It would not be something he would particularly enjoy, but at least he could be self-aware enough to be able to laugh at it in a few months.

xxXXxx

"Finally!" Emerald entered the prison block with her usual dramatic flair. "Oh, what a truly magnificent day! Not only have I been elected to house the annual Emerald gathering here on this colony I was gifted by Yellow Diamond, but Lars of the Stars and his gang of defective off-colours have finally been caught by my loyal guards that I placed on this planet! And to top it off, my Sun Incinerator has been returned."

Jeez, she hadn't even made it to the cell Lars was kept in, and her gloating was already driving him nuts.

"Muahahaha!" she cackled maliciously. "Tell me, 'Lars of the Stars,' how do you want to die? I understand your kind is a lot more fragile than us gems…" The green gem entered the frame. The light from the lamp reflected in the gem in her eye, and her broad grin revealed a set of fangs. "And now, I wouldn't want to cause you… any unnecessary… pain…?"

"I have already died once!" Lars declared. "How I die a second time doesn't matter. I've been through hell and back; your threats mean nothing to me!" Even with his hands and feet chained to the wall, the aura the reanimated teen exuded was enough to make Emerald stare in disbelief. When she spoke again, her tone was a lot smaller than its usual self.

"What the frack are you wearing?"

"…pearl disguise," Lars muttered. Every single guard he had met had asked him the same thing. It was getting old real fast.

Emerald stared for a few moments.

"And… who told you this is what pearls wear?"

"Padparadscha." Lars said, with as much disgust in his voice as there was on Emerald's face.

xxXXxx

 **Author's** Note

This is comedy


	3. Act 2: Escape From Emerald!

**Lars in the Sky With Diamonds, Act 2: Escape from Emerald!**

Emeralds are amongst some of the most high ranking individuals in gem society. They command their own military forces, keep their own small colonies and run complex, independent operations. While Emeralds tend to operate independently from each other, with little to no contact or cooperation, every once in a while, they will gather on one of their' colony for a 'family meeting' of sorts.

And yes, just like any human family gathering, the Emerald meetings always end either in a fistfight, a shouting match, a drunken fistfight, or everyone storming off one by one. You know that one guy who always goes on and on about how great he is and everything he has that you don't? Every Emerald is like that.

Right now, our Emerald (the one with the gem on her right eye, Facet-3M Cut-MY) was the biggest and baddest of all the braggers! She had just captured the infamous Lars of the Stars, the Off-Colour space pirate who had terrorized the galaxy and been a constant thorn in Homeworld's side since he first emerged, seemingly out of nowhere. Now that was an accomplishment!

"Sisters!" Emerald announced. "I am terribly sorry for leaving you standing here…"

"No, you're not," a pink voice interrupted her. Emerald ignored it.

"… but as you all know, the fierce space pirate Lars of the Stars…"

"Oh-ho, you're flattering me!" the voice said. Emerald ignored it again.

"…have finally, after much effort on my part…"

"You were literally here, having a party when a group of low-level Ruby guards caught us…"

".. he was finally cornered, right here on this very colony…"

"Technically, that room didn't have any corners. It was round."

"… and his crew captured…"

"Fluorite and Rhodonite got away with the Sun Incinerator."

"WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP!?"

"No."

By now, the entire group of some forty Emeralds was either snickering or outright laughing at the display. Emerald blushed in embarrassment. She turned to the space pirate. "Now you listen here…" she whispered to the space pirate. "…if you value the lives of your crewmates, I suggest you cease your unnecessary commentary, or else…"

"Oh, but Emmy, this is supposed to be a comedy! And interrupting you is funny!"

"One more quip and I will punch you. And then I'll kill your friends. You get how that works?"

"Uh… sorry, I don't think I understand… could you go over that again?" Lars said meekly. Emerald smiled with triumph!

"I said that, if you so much as utter another 'clever' word, I will…"

"Yeah, yeah, I have read and agree to the privacy policy, can we just get this over with?"

Emerald's eye twitched. She took a deep breath, punched Lars in the stomach, and let go of her breath. She turned back to her sisters, who were laughing as if there was actual comedy going on. "Ahem. Sisters, may I present to you, Lars of the Stars!" She stepped to the side, revealing the pink, bent-over human pirate gasping for air.

"W-worth it…" he mumbled.

No one was impressed.

"This guy is the one who has been giving you so much problem?" another Emerald, said. "This organic loser?"

"Yeah, seriously, what was all the fuss about? He certainly doesn't look (or sound) all that dangerous to me," A third Emerald said.

"Perhaps our sister Emmy is losing her luster," a fourth one theater-whispered, and the group burst into laughter again.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" Emmy screamed on the top of her lungs, which only made everyone laugh even harder. "THIS MAN IS A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL!"

"Well, you're not wrong about that…" Lars said behind her.

Emerald snapped for the third time in less than five minutes. "You…" she growled, and turned to the space pirate… only to be met by gem destabilizer to the face!

"Kyahrgh!" Emerald screamed in shock and agony. The laughing crowd was silenced by the sounds and sight of their sister's form being electrocuted, torn apart and poofed into nothingness.

"Phew," Lars of the Stars said nonchalantly. Despite his hands being bound, he easily caught the falling emerald in his hand. Even more impressive than that, however, was what was going on on top of Lars' head. "Finally! She was really starting to get on my nerves there. Good job, Rhodonite!" A gem, a fusion by the looks of it, was somehow… sticking out of his hair; as if the space pirate's hair hid a pocket dimension within it. The Off-Colour was holding a gem destabilizer in one of her hands.

"I-impossible!" one of the Emeralds yelled in shock. "He hid one of his crewmates in his hair! He must have signaled her with some sort of sign while we were too concentrated on Emmy to notice! It was she that poofed her!"

"No way!" another-another Emerald yelled back. "He wanted to be captured! This was his plan all along!"

"Muahahaha!" Lars laughed. He held up his cuffed hands, and Rhodonite swiftly pulled a plasma rifle from his hair and blasted them to hell. "Thanks, Rhodonite, you really are a rock," Lars said.

"…yes," Rhodonite, not getting the metaphor, said. "Um… should I get out of your hair, or…?"

"Nah," Lars said. "You can stay in there if you want to. Just give me the rifle, and hold onto this for me," he said and handed her the green beryl. "Just keep an eye out, make sure no one sneaks up on me, will ya'?"

"Sure thing Captain." Rhodonite grabbed the gemstone with one of her arms and handed her captain the rifle with two of the others. "I think I'll stay in here…" she mumbled and sank back into the pink mane, only her head sticking out, happy to keep out of harm's way.

Lars turned his attention back to the group of Emeralds watching the scene going on in stunned silence. He bowed mockingly. "I'm sorry ladies, but this is where I take my leave."

"Like shale, you will!" One of the Emeralds had regained her composure. From the gem on her chest, she summoned forth her weapon, a sharp short sword. "You may have taken Emmy by surprise, but don't you dare to take us like jokes!"

"Yeah!" The other Emeralds joined in, summoning their own weapons. Swords, spears, whips, mazes, and axes… "You're in a room full of elite gems! You will not get away so easily!"

Lars was not impressed.

"Yes, I will," he said. Without further ado, he waved his had, a pink burst of energy springing forth from it. Out of pure reflex, all Emeralds in the room instinctively took a step backward to avoid whatever attack the space pirate had employed. That was nothing they shouldn't have done because the attack wasn't an attack. Rather, the burst of pink energy was the manifestation of an inter-dimensional rift in space, that formed into a swirling portal. "Ciao," Lars said and stepped into the portal, thus escaping from the group of Emeralds.

"Oh no! He stepped into the portal, thus escaping this group of Emeralds!" one of the Emeralds said as the portal closed before them.

xxXXxx

"And then Lars stepped into the portal, thus escaping the group of Emeralds!"

"Yes, Padparadscha, we know, we were there," Lars sighed. He, Padparadscha, Rhodonite, the Rutile Twins and Fluorite were currently chilling on the bridge of the Sun Incinerator, celebrating a well-executed plan. It was, by far, the most dangerous and complicated plan the Off-Colours had ever attempted.

"Listen, you guys…" Lars said to his crew. His new family. "This… this mission was dangerous. It was a risky gamble, and we knew that going into it."

In a distance, a 「Bonk」 was heard.

"We've had our run-ins with Emerald before…"

「Bonk」

"…but never before so close up and personal…"

「Bonk」

"But we did it."

「Bonk」

"We stared danger right in the face, and we refused to stand down!"

「Bonk」

"Without combined strengths, cunning, intelligence and wit, we beat Emmy!"

「Bonk!」

"And see what it earned us! The Sun Incinerator is fixed…"

「Bonk!」

"…and we got Emmy…"

「Bonk!」

"…locked away in the closet, making those really annoying 'bonking' sounds."

「bonk」

"Yeah, uh, about that Captain…" Rhodonite said hesitantly. "I've been thinking, and, ah… so we captured Emerald…"

「Bonk」

"But, eh… we did it in front of every other Emerald in the galaxy… won't that make all of them come after us now?"

…

"Crap."


End file.
